Excuse my language, but in this case, it’s kind of for conveying purposes. I caught myself having a dozen of unhealthy self-doubts after a break-up. Even though it wasn’t entirely my fault this thing crumbled to pieces and ended up hurting a whole lot, I never stopped searching for faults within me for why it ended. And when I had the feeling I was forgotten, I thought to myself, well, I must’ve been just whatever to them to get over me so quickly.
I talked to a very good friend of mine about it and she literally had a pep talk with me. I guess when you’re sad and wallowing in self-doubts, you go a bit crazy on yourself. This is what she said.
When you love someone,
the person should add 50% to your 100% emotions, never take 50% away. So if someone leaves, you shouldn’t let it define you or bring out all those self-doubts when there’s no reason to. And if someone loves you, you really shouldn’t get dependent on the other person, nor the feelings that come with them. This is especially hard to do, but there’s a difference between being in a relationship that makes you feel great instead of being in one because you feel miserable staying single and on your own. Key is, give loads of fucks about yourself so you don’t feel like you’re incomplete without another person.
Don’t take yourself or your doubts too seriously.
This might sound harsh and rather stupid but as simple as it sounds, it can be just that simple. Because we oftentimes focus too much on our doubts and too little on the things that do matter. We’re keen on putting ourselves down whenever something goes wrong but honestly, there’s so much more to it. For example, circumstances, other people. It’s really not always just about you.
Try not to rely on confirmation from the outside.
Gracefully take compliments but don’t put too much importance on them so that they will define you. Don’t lose yourself in them and don’t try to become someone who is liked by everyone by doing or wearing certain things. Learn to compliment yourself and praise yourself for the things you do.
Be your own priority.
Rather than saying, love yourself!!!, I’d rather phrase it differently because … it will sound less cliché. Learn that you are important, most of all, to yourself. Don’t go around looking for affirmation from people you might not even be important to/ who have other priorities. It’ll only hurt you in the long run because you keep putting yourself beneath other people.
Don’t take it personally.
You can let someone into your life without having to delve into the deeper world of you if you don’t feel like it. And the same applies to other people. Someone can, in reality, mean a bit less to you than you mean to them. Same goes the other way around. That just happens. It’s great if it’s all equal and dandy, it’s okay if it’s not. Accept that it’s different for everybody, and everybody has different priorities. You can’t force to be or not be something, but you can start accepting it without feeling a decrease in your worth.
Stay true to your values.
If you don’t want to meet up with someone, state it. If you found that this person did something really stupid, say it. Of course, you don’t have to be harsh about it. But you need to state what you want, as well as what you don’t want. Don’t wash away in other people’s wishes and comfort. You’re an own person with wants, too.
Broaden your horizon.
Sometimes it helps to be reminded that there’s a bigger picture. To take the break-up as an example, I could be easily feeling like I never meant anything to this other person because it seemed like they moved on so quickly. But the bigger picture is that I don’t know that for sure. Maybe they still cry when they remember me. Maybe they still look at my polaroid. Maybe they don’t only hang with that friend for fun but cry to them about me. Maybe they act so strong and ignorant so it’s easier for them to get over me. You never know anything for sure. You only know how to see what you believe. And with doubts, you’ll believe the worst.
Set your own priorities.
And try to focus on them. You remember Tyler Durden from Fight Club? He seemed like he didn’t give two flying shits about anything or anyone but the truth is, he just had a set of a few priorities that he put his focus on instead of other things. And I think that helps a lot. He didn’t beat around the bush because he knew what he wanted. Everything else was background noise. Focus on the things that really matter – so write out your priorities in life, your values, it can be even small things.
Like, if someone were to call me just to sleep with me, I’d be like, hell, suck your own dick.
What do you think?
What do you do to not give a fuck?