When you first meet people,
… you see what you see. It’s just the image they portray to the outside world. What you get to see or hear is honestly just an impression. It’ll take a while for you to get to see inside that person. When you do, over time, you realise who they are and what they make of themselves. You get to know them, you notice other details about them, you start getting used to their speech and body language. Yet, you never really get to see the rough patch they have abandoned within themselves and you only realise how toxic they have been to you when you feel yourself hurting and crying and laughing only to go back to crying. One day another person in your life will tell you that this behaviour isn’t healthy and that there is a toxic person that I let into my life that I need to push out.
I didn’t realise.
I cared for that person deeply, and to be frank I still do. But at some point you’ve got to realise that you have to look out for yourself before anyone else and that your life is your party and you are the host and once someone shits or pukes on your dance floor, you’ve got all the rights to kick them out. Or else you’ll end up like me the fast few weeks, laughing for five minutes with that person and crying so hard at night to wake up with swollen eyelids. You’ll have to tell your mother you just had too little sleep and that you’ll go to rest earlier the night after. Only you won’t. Because you wipe that shit and puke from the dance floor thinking that person will come to senses and start treating you differently. At some point the other people at your party will become fed up with that person because that puke and shit effects not only you as the host but also your other friends, your family, your work, your whole attitude on life. Drastic, eh?
It’s so easy…
… to say and not always possible. But I think it’s a good step ahead to have realised this to at least start focusing more on the people who do not shit and puke on my dance floor but instead help clean up or highten the mood anyway. It’s the people who turn on the best songs, who stroke your back, who tell stupid jokes to make you laugh, even if it only means that there will be just a little more air coming out of your nose.
I don’t know if this helped anyone. I just know that this realisation has helped me somehow. It was an important lesson that I had to learn the hard way. But I’m glad I was able to learn because I always hear about people in toxic relationships but never noticed any in my own life when it got so apparent.